


I Can't Love You in the Dark

by girlnmaroon



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: Angst, F/M, Romance, everybody lives (eventually), going to the dark side
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-07
Updated: 2016-01-20
Packaged: 2018-05-12 08:53:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5660386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/girlnmaroon/pseuds/girlnmaroon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if Leia was tempted by the dark side? What if Kylo Ren was tempted by the light side? What if Han had to save them both?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Leia

**Author's Note:**

> My very weird attempt at a fix-it fic, going the long way around. 
> 
> Thanks Kait for reading!!

Leia has been struggling to hold on for quite some time now, not that she’d admit it out loud. She’s lost everyone she ever loved, and it’s getting harder and harder to not lose herself as well. Truth be told, she started losing her grip the day Luke told who her father was.

But Han had kept her together, had convinced her that none of that mattered because she was good inside, that she was full of light. At any given low point, she could crawl into his arms and he’d make everything alright. And things we alright, they were good, almost all of the time. They’d loved each other, and they had Luke and Chewie to sort them out when tempers got too heated.

Then they’d had Ben. Ben was perfect, he had Han’s smile, Han’s sense of humor… things were great, until they weren’t. Until Ben had found out about his grandfather, and decided that his dark fate had been predetermined. Until Ben began to run his own father away, speaking of Han’s lack of Force sensitivity as if it were a defect. She’d seen the light go out of Han’s eyes then.

She’d fought them both then, tried to bring them back together but only succeeded in fracturing their family in ways that couldn’t be repaired.

She’d sent Ben to Luke as a last resort, because surely her Jedi Master brother could fix this. Only he couldn’t, and all she’d done was to alienate the last family she had left. Luke had gone off the grid, Han ran off with Chewie, and Ben… Ben ruined many more lives than just her own.

Still, she perservered, for the greater good. She was raised a Princess, and life had made her a General. There was a Resistance to run, now. Their Rebellion was over.

She finally managed to keep her thoughts of her lost family at bay, when she worked. And she didn’t think about them, she didn’t, not until she was tucked away in her cabin with nothing but the darkness to keep her company.

Then Han had showed up. And Chewie, of course, with a warm hug and encouraging growl. She hadn’t known what to say to him, not at first, but they’d found their way to each other that night. He’d kissed her hair, he’d held her close, and he’d made her promises that she foolishly helped he’d keep. A piece of her had come back alive, then, and she’d dared to hope.

Dared to hope so much she’d sent him on a fool’s errand, all but begging him to bring home their son.

She’d thought she’d lost them before, but no, when she felt his betrayal, when she lost Han’s presence in her mind and in her heart, that’s when she knew they were gone forever.

She always wondered what drove someone to the dark side, what could possibly be so attractive. But the anger she feels now, it consumes her, and she can’t deny it any longer. Fear curled tendrils around her brain, her heart, and she'd clenched her fists. She would sell her soul to bring Han back, but instead it was stolen from her.

And she succumbed to the dark.


	2. Rey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MAJOR TFA SPOILERS!
> 
> Han's death, as seen through Rey's eyes.

Rey couldn’t believe her luck, if that’s what you could call it, that she’d not only ended up _piloting the Millennium Falcon_ but met one of her all time heroes, Han Solo. Despite all the turmoil, she couldn’t say she was upset at the fact that it culminated in a job offer from The Han Solo. 

 

He liked her, well, Chewie liked her, supposedly, but she knew the truth. An instant mutual respect had formed between them, and she couldn’t wait to see what else she could learn from him. 

 

Being kidnapped and tortured by Kylo Ren, that had been horrible, emotionally painful in a way she didn’t know existed until then. But it had taught her something… something she didn’t understand quite yet. She possessed a power she couldn’t possibly explain to anyone, even herself. 

 

She fleetingly harnessed those powers, enough to get herself out of the interrogation room. She only hoped she could steal a TIE fighter and somehow make it back to the Resistance base. 

 

She never expected that Finn would come after her, that Han and Chewie would, too. The loneliness she’d grown up with was gone, replaced with… friendship. Fighting alongside them was her greatest honor.

 

And then the unthinkable happened. 

 

She’d looked down to see Han inexplicably calling to Kylo Ren, calling him Ben. Talking to him as if he were a human being and not a monster. Her breath had caught in her throat, and she’d wished in that instant Finn was holding her hand.

 

She felt the lightsaber in her heart as clearly as her mentor must have.

 

She’d watched him reach out to touch Kylo’s - Ben’s - face, and a realization crossed her mind. _That’s his son._ She could see the spark leave Han’s eyes from her perch high above, but she still wasn’t prepared for the brutality of the fall. She hadn’t known Han that long, had known about her powers for an even shorter time, but she felt his loss in her mind. 

 

She heard Chewie roar, and knew his heartbreak would be a thousand times worse than hers could ever be. Blasters went off, and she couldn’t even tell if she’d fired a shot, she was so in shock.

 

Her feet seemed to know their path before her mind did, and down she went, lower and lower into the bowels of the First Order base. She had to retrieve Han’s body. A man like him doesn’t get left behind in any state.

 

She heard Finn call after her, but she didn’t bother to respond. He’d follow. 

 

She’d been joined by Chewbacca as she reached the lowest floor, and he blasted the lock on the door. She had gasped for air, preparing to see a horrific sight, but instead nearly faints at what she sees before her.

 

She saw Kylo Ren, hovering over his father’s body, willing him back to life.

 

He turned when he senses her presence, and she saw true torment in his eyes. Rey had quickly searched his mind, and sensed his regret, his devastation.

 

“Help me!” he’d yelled, and she didn’t hesitate, kneeling next to him. Her eyes closed, her mind blanked, and she summoned the strength of the Force.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your support! Chapter 3 is already underway. :)


	3. Han/Leia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han has some final thoughts, and Leia dives deeper into the dark side.

Han really thought being dead would be quieter. 

 

He’d suffered one of the worst fates possible, he’d been murdered by his own son for gods’ sake. He didn’t think blacking out before his body slammed to the ground was too much to ask.

 

Instead he’d felt Leia in his mind, her heartbreak, and was reminded of how much those mystical powers had ruined his life. Sure, they’d been useful too, but he figured he was entitled to some negative thinking after being gutted by a lightsaber. 

 

He hadn’t been flattened as he’d expected, either. It was as if something invisible had cushioned the blow. _Wonderful_ , he thought, _I have to bleed out instead._

 

He heard Chewie’s guttural howl echo down the shaft, then came the unmistakeable sound of his crossbow firing. _Save yourself now, pal. I’m a lost cause._

 

More blasters, then, and footsteps heavy against the metal floor of the First Order base. He can’t bear it any longer, the sounds of a life he’s already lost. Han Solo, decorated war hero, husband to the leader of the Resistance, forfeits his last battle.

 

——————————————————————————————————————————

 

Leia gives into her rage fully for the first time in her life. She’s always resisted before, always kept herself together in the face of so much loss and devastation, but the loss of Han combined with the ultimate betrayal of Ben is too much for her broken heart to bear. 

 

Something on her dresser catches her eye. Her lightsaber. Slowly, she walks over to it, stalking it as if it were her prey. She grabs it, the cool metal no longer a foreign feeling in her hand, and presses the button. She is engulfed in a ruby red glow, and it suits her mood infinitely better than anything else. 

 

She listens to the hum for a moment, her chest rising with each breath, and then she loses it. She screams, positive that everyone on the base in D’Qar can hear her. She doesn’t care. She reaches out, slashing the dresser, the wall, and finally the bed (the bed that Han had shared with her just a few days ago), until there is nothing but pieces left. She drops the lightsaber to the ground, not bothering to turn it off.

 

The anger heats her blood, and she feels a sense of power that both excites and terrifies her. She remembers a conversation long ago with Luke, that Darth Vader only came to existence because of Anakin’s desperation to keep his wife - their mother - alive. 

 

It hadn’t worked.

 

At this point though, she thinks she understands her birth father better than she ever has. It doesn’t matter what she’d have to do to save the man she loves. She’s only had sporadic training with Luke, all of it of course focused solely on the light side of the Force. _What good has that done me?_

 

She closes her eyes, clenches her hands into fists, and focuses inward, drawing on her own selfishness instead of that which comes from from the living world around her. She promises anything, anything, to bring him back. 

 

Her focus is so complete, she doesn’t hear the Lieutenant and their crew enter her room, or the gasps they make at finding her in such a state. Connix carefully reaches to deactivate the lightsaber, and only then do Leia’s eyes open. She rises from the ground, her internal fire visible for all to see, and knocks her comrades to the ground with a twitch of her hand. 

 

“Get out.”


	4. Rey/Han

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The struggles are real aboard the Millennium Falcon.

Rey sits in the cockpit of the Millennium Falcon, absolutely spent and completely at a loss for words. She is grateful for Chewie’s steadfast, silent companionship at the moment. She fiddles with the switch of the now-bypassed compressor, needing something to do with her hands. 

 

Chewie growls softly, a question. “I’m fine.” Another growl, this time scolding. “Okay, I’m not.”

 

He nods his assent. Today had been a rough day, even by his standards.

 

She hears a thump from the back, and absentmindedly hopes Finn isn’t killing Kylo - Ben. 

 

He’d given so much energy to try and restore his father’s life that Finn had to drag his limp body onto the ship. She doesn’t know why they’d brought him, exactly, but she just couldn’t see telling General Organa they let her son get blown up.

 

Chewie had carried Han’s body, his furry paws cradling him more carefully than Rey thought possible. She sighs, hearing more noise from the back. _I’d better go see what’s happening._

 

She waves Chewie’s offer off, standing up on her shaky legs, feeling a responsibility towards Finn, if no one else. 

 

“Chewbacca says you better not be getting blood all over his ship!”

 

—————————————————————————————————

 

Han has a hazy memory of being carried to the Falcon in his Wookie friend’s arms, which is ridiculous. He’s dead, even Chewie wouldn’t have risked everyone’s lives to recover a body. Burial is not a life debt requirement.

 

He can hear whispers, the kid, Finn, and Rey, arguing about something…why can he hear them? And why are they talking about Ben?

 

He strains to hear their conversation, but he can’t. Shouldn’t dying give him the ability to eavesdrop?

 

And he hurts, which should definitely not be allowed after one’s death.

 

Then it hits him. Ben, and Rey, they resurrected him.

 

_Gods, I’m alive._

 

He’s never wanted the burden of being Force sensitive until this moment. He wishes he could somehow let Leia know he’s alive, because he knows she surely felt his death. 

 

He tries to sit up, intending to head for the comms, but his head swims and he’s forced to lay back down. _What good is being alive if I can’t even sit upright?_

 

Han sighs, gaining Rey’s attention. He asks her to help him send out a comm, but she shakes her head.

 

“The comms are down… Chewie says he’s the only one that can fix him and he has to fly the Falcon…”

 

He flops back, wincing slightly. “i can fix anything,” he grumbles.

 

Rey opens her mouth to respond and Han just waves her off. They’ll be back at the base soon.

 

—————————————————————————————————

 

Once Chewie lands the Falcon, Han yells at him to help him off the ship. He has no idea what to do with Ben right now, and he needs to talk to Leia before the rest of the Resistance finds out he’s on board. 

 

He scans the crowd, looking for the most familiar of all the faces, but he can’t see her. Amidst all the celebrations, he spies a figure who is somehow emanating more stress than C-3PO. Blonde Leiutenant Connix, he thinks that’s what Leia said her name was.

 

She approaches the pair hesitantly, only it’s not the usual “whoa, it’s a Wookie” hesitation. She has bad news. Han is quite familiar with the delivery of bad news.

 

“Captain Solo… Sir? There’s a problem with the General.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for any mistakes, my contacts are wonky from allergies so I can't really see right but I wanted to get this chapter up tonight!


	5. Han/Leia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Han has made it back to home base, but is he coming home to the same Leia?

Han has been told Leia had some sort of breakdown, they figure. But the details are sketchy, and he’s desperate for information. She’d trashed her quarters _with her lightsaber,_ for gods’ sake. Something is very, very wrong.

 

He walks with the Lieutenant quickly, occasionally leaning on Chewie when the dizziness threatens to make him fall. His heart sinks as he realizes they’re approaching the detention area. _What could she possibly have done that they locked her up?_

 

He’s not sure he actually wants to know the answer to that question.

 

He’s lead to the door, and he wipes his palms on his pants. Chewie grumbles softly, asking if he should stay, but Han tells him to keep an eye on the Falcon. _And Ben_ , he hopes.

 

Connix unlocks the door, and he steps inside.

 

He swallows, looking at a different version of his wife than he’s ever seen. He’s grateful she doesn’t look up immediately so that he has a few seconds to study her. There’s a slump to her shoulders that’s never been there before. Her usual intricate hairstyle is so disheveled, pieces coming undone.

 

“Leia.” He says, his voice gruff, and she jumps. He nearly gasps when he sees her eyes, reddened with burst blood vessels. He knows in that instant what she’s done.

 

“Han!” She leaps up and into his arms, reminding him of every dramatic reunion of their past, and he holds her tight. He loves her, he will always love her, and he won’t ever turn her away. No matter what she’s done.

 

Minutes pass, and they just cling to each other. She starts to shake, and he kisses the top of her head. She mumbles something into his chest, and he has to ask her to repeat herself. 

 

Leia tips her face up to him. “You died. I felt it.” 

 

“I did,” he agrees, not wanting to launch into the details quite yet. He can sense she’s too fragile for the whole story right now. “But I came back.”

 

She just nods, burying her face back into his chest. He strokes her neck, feeling her relax incrementally with each touch. He’s relieved to know that her trust in him hasn’t been shaken, despite the extraordinary circumstances. He’s sure they’ll need to rely on that in the coming days.

 

“I heard you’ve had a bad day,” he says. “Do you want to talk about it?”

 

“Oh, Han.” She starts to cry, then, sobs wracking her body, and he leads her to sit on the bench. He positions her so that she’s sitting between his legs, leaning into his chest. He starts to let her hair down, gently pulling the pins out as he has so many times before.

 

“We’ll talk when you’re ready, Princess.” 

 

———————————————————————————————————————————————————

 

Leia already had the distinct impression she’d lost her mind, and that was before her dead husband came walking in the door. Now she’s reeling with the knowledge that he’s alive, and he’s here, and he’s home. 

 

She wants to confess to him what she’s done, she’s never kept anything from him before, but she’s terrified that he’ll leave her when she does. He’d been pretty clear with Ben when he’d started to dabble on the darkside. If Han left her this time, it would be intolerable.

 

He’s playing with her hair, something she’s always loved, and her heart is simultaneously shattering and piecing together. She leans into his chest, grateful to be encased in his embrace. It’s been so long since she’s truly been able to take solace in his presence, longer than she’d care to admit.

 

She has to tell him.

 

She swallows, then turns to look up at him. He’s fallen asleep. She breathes out a sigh of relief, her confession hidden for a little while longer, as she burrows into his arms. 

 

_Tomorrow._

 


End file.
